Arguments with my children always bring out the worst in us. When tempers flare, voices rise and while we are trying to teach them what ends up happening is a power struggle.
With a strong personality in a kid (aka a strong-willed child), sometimes the argument becomes a power struggle. Does this sound familiar?
If your child always needs the last word then there is an awesome statement I have learned to use to defuse the situation.
In my house lately the arguing and pestering has been growing between the siblings. When it escalates and I have to reprimand them then begins the power struggle. When you know the argument is over but the back and forth is still going on because your child just has to get the last word here is how to shift the power.
Use the phrase, “I’ve spoken. Would you like to have the last word?”
This shifts the power. Instead of them taking control, you have decided to give it to them.
Amazing stuff, right? I love when I find something out like this. I always need new parenting tricks up my sleeve. Parenting forums, books and mommy groups are just invaluable for this type of information.
When I feel like things are getting a little out of control and I need to reign in the back talk or disrespect in my house I like to read a new parenting book. I like fresh tools every once in a while to keep ahead of the kids. They sometimes catch on to the game and I need to keep a step ahead. 🙂
Feeling Stuck
If you want to change the environment in your home and set some new expectations, check out Becky of Your Modern Family’s Parenting Manual 101 course. She has game changing ideas for setting routines, fighting entitlement and discover your kids “currency”.
On My Nightstand
- I have learned a lot of helpful tips from Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. An example of when I use it is When Your Child Stalls When You Are Trying To Get Out the Door.
- I am currently reading Siblings Without Rivalry by W. W. Norton and Co. and it has some great tips. I will write about it when I have finished and tested out what I have learned on my own kids.
Do you have any favorite parenting books or phrases to use to share with me? I love having new tips.
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I love this idea of shifting the power; giving them the power, instead of them taking it. Thanks for sharing this. It’s amazing what a little change in wording can do when we are dealing with our children. 🙂
I agree. I almost need to keep a little cheat sheet on the back of my hand to remember what to say when. 🙂
This is great! My daughter is the one who has to have the last word. When she is arguing with my husband, I think it’s funny and a I like it. But when she does it to me, I go crazy! These are great tips! Thank you for sharing!
Haha I remember being the one that always needed to have the last say (sorry, mum).
This is a great technique! It’s crazy what a difference a slight change in what you say makes.
Christie’s Take on Life. x
I was that way too and now I am on the other end and am supposed to be the adult and be in control. It is hard so need all the little tricks I can acquire. 🙂
I am not a parent but definitely feel that this is strong message, even when we have arguments with adults – shifting the power seems to make a lot of sense!
xx, Kusum | http://www.sveeteskapes.com
Sorry I cant see how this is helpful… Does the child not therefore feel entitled to have the last say? They have just been given the floor and the parent’s authority is neutralised. Not tryimg to be difficult – just seems to me the phrase has created a new problem altogether.
Agree. If I said this to my son it would then again start the argument over again!
Yes!!! My daughter would just start another rant!!!
I agree. And how is this setting him up to deal well with other authorities (like a boss) later? There is a time to respectfully appeal to authority and a time to stop talking once you have an answer. Having the last word is an artificial means of saving face, I guess, but I don’t think that will wear well over time. And there’s no need to shift the power beyond reminding the child, “You asked, I answered. You appealed, I gave my final answer. We’re done.”
Unfortunately I was one of those daughters also. My poor Dad must of used this on me and I would be like “Well actually yes…” My poor parents but thankfully I have got better with age, atleast I hope I have :/
Agree. I thought the same thing. Then why even get in the discussion at all?
Great tip. We like to use the book “Love and Logic “
I love those books. I need to reread them to freshen up. 🙂
Here’s the thing about “the last word,” in any argument. The only reason it’s a problem for your children, husband, or anyone else to have the last word is because YOU want to have the last word as bad as they do…which is why the argument persists.
I think the first step in this is to search your own heart–do you want the last word because of your own stubbornness and what does this teach your children?
Yes, our children need to listen and respect us. But I have found that is best gained by NOT arguing back and forth with them, not adamantly being sure to get the last word yourself so that they can’t. That is quite immature and it does not gain you respect.
When I say something to my children, they know that it’s final and there is no need to argue. If they do argue, they are wasting their breath because I do not engage them. And the situation dies out quickly.
I agree with you. Sometimes I am on my A game and am in charge and in control and sometimes I am worn down and distracted and am not on top of the situation. I think we all have our ups and downs. I like having little sayings to keep in my back-pocket to keep me from spiraling down a bad path. I also just read an article on good positive things to say to our kids to build their problem solving skills and I like having little quotes like those to use as well in other situations. We can all help each other with our favorite parenting hacks. 🙂
Sometimes people come across as wanting the last word when in truth what they want is for the conversation (or argument) to continue. That said, the statement you offer here does give a child the opportunity to stop and think about their attitude and it gives an opportunity to have a real discussion about what kinds of people always want the last word.
Those type of people are referred to as Karen’s or know it alls.
Love this. The term “shift the power:” articulates it so well. I needed this like 10-12 yrs ago.
Thanks! It is a great little tool to keep in my backpocket for arguments. 🙂
I am going to try this tomorrow! Thanks for sharing!
Love this idea! My twelve year old son is in that phase of always having to have the last word lately and I am definitely doing this!
Shelley
Yes, my boys are definitely going through this phase too. I hope it helps.
Interesting…I will certainly try this shift of control on my youngest teen boy…he always seems to want the last word or question everything we say…I’m sure I will shock him when I ask him if he’d like the last word 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Let me know what he says! 🙂
I really do need to add Love and Logic to my list of reads. I have never tried that phrase that you mentioned above but you can guarantee I will be using it immediately. I am always looking for new options on how to overcome the power struggles and back talking. Love your article!
Thanks! I always have to switch things up in my house too. Gotta stay a step ahead. 🙂
This is genius!! I feel like it could be used in a lot of different situations such as work or any argument.
Great point!
I love this idea! I need to reread Love and Logic and pick up Siblings Without Rivalry. I have two boys right now and while they are very competitive now I would like to be prepared if it happens in their ten years (theyre 8 & 6 now).
I am going to pin this, and come back this afternoon to browse around. I saw 4 or 5 articles I want to come back and check out. Thanks for the tips!
You’re welcome! So glad you found it helpful.
I have two strong willed children… it’s not a surprise, both my husband and I fall in to that category as well. My son used to have massive temper tantrums. His psychiatrist recommended The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. I cried when I read it, to know that I wasn’t the only one dealing with this issue was a huge gift. I like the response to shift the power. Thank you.
I’ll have to check out that book. Yes, it is so reassuring to know we aren’t the only ones in any situation in life. 🙂 Hugs.
This is absolutely terrible advice. This is “validation” parenting without authority. Kids need authority to feel safe.This is going to give kids unrealistic expectations of what real life is like. You do this, kids are getting set up for real-world failure… possibly leading to anxieties and depression. Instead, explain what they’re doing and that it’s unacceptable. Teach your kids common decency, taking pride in their behavior, and accountability. Also, roles in a family.
Some very good insight here. Depending on the conversation and the age I would end the last word with….”you know you are right”. That was the cue we would both need to stop.
New books to check out if you’ve not heard of them already: joy switch, building bounce (kid version or adult version), four habits of raising joy filled kids. We lose joy when something doesn’t go our way, kids tantrum, adults get emotional too, but we can return to joy and cooperative mode and be relational and decrease our reactivity and risk of getting triggered or triggering our kids by growing our joy and our kids joy. Connecting, appreciating, resting are three major ways to do this. Brain science can help us understand the simply hard and normal but chaotic moments and help us on a journey to lasting joy.