Trying to get a toddler to stop hitting can seem an awful lot like trying to run a marathon in quicksand, with bricks tied to your feet. Contrary to what it may seem like, it is possible to curb the behavior.
Get to the Bottom of It
The first step in trying to get your toddler to stop hitting is to figure out why they are hitting in the first place. There are several reasons why they may be hitting. By trying to figure out the “why” in the equation you will be better prepared and able to stop it. My little girl is hitting her older brothers when they race her to the car. They are older and bigger so they win and it frustrates her so much that she lashes out by hitting.
Reasons Toddler’s Hit
Toddlers can hit for several reasons. Some of the more common reasons are they are unable to express their emotions appropriately (frustration for my little girl), they want attention or they just aren’t sure how else to get someone to listen to them.
7 Steps For How To Stop A Toddler From Hitting
Once the reason for their actions has been identified (to the best of your ability), you can easily take steps to correct it. Yes, you read that right. I said easy. Here are some ways to correct the behavior.
1. Label your Child’s Emotions
Toddlers hit simply because of their emotions. A toddler can hit because they are excited just as fast as they can hit because they got angry, or bored. Putting a label to how your child is feeling will help them (and you) to better understand how they are feeling.
2. Validation of Emotions
Validating your toddler’s emotions is very important. Let them know that what or how they are feeling is okay but, there is a better way to handle and express their feelings. For your toddler, knowing that their emotions are real will help them later in life.
3. Explain Emotional Reactions to your Child
Keep in mind, that while putting stops to outbursts is normally best done in the moment, explaining to them is a bit different. It is best done after they cool down.
With each emotional outburst, whether happy, or sad, or angry it is helpful for you toddler to have that labeled and explained. Get down on their level and explain to them the best way to express their feelings in a language they will understand.
4. Redirect the Behavior
Redirecting the behavior is very helpful if your toddler is hitting out of anger. It is perfectly fine for them to hit when they are upset. It is a way to show their emotion and relive the tension they feel. The trick is to do it in an appropriate way. For this, I suggest giving them one specific pillow to hit.
Each time your child goes to hit out of anger, you grab the pillow and remind them to hit that. Also remind them that being upset is okay but, they need to hit the pillow instead of people.
For a while, you will have to carry the pillow from room to room. Even send it to daycare with them. Once your toddler gets used to it though, they will seek out the pillow when they are upset.
5. Distraction
Sometimes, distraction is the best way possible to stop them from hitting. If you see your child getting to a point where the would normally hit, try to put a stop to it before it even happens. Call their attention to something else. See if you can get them to refocus on something new. You can use a toy or maybe take a walk. Anything that you can use to diffuse the situation before it happens will help them to reprogram their thinking path.
6. Make a Point to Spend Time with Them
Often times, hitting is simply to get attention. If a child feels like they need attention but are not sure how to get it, they may hit. If you make it a point to spend an hour or so of distraction free time it can help. Once your child knows that this distraction free time is sticking around, the frequency of hitting will greatly be reduced.
7. Walk Away
This one may seem off the wall and I agree but, hear me out. If you have tried everything else, and nothing has worked it is time to ignore the behavior. They may be hitting just to get a reaction out of you or their friends.
That is when it is time to move them out of the situation or walk away. You can tell them that they can’t participate if they can’t be nice. So, If your child hit you while you were playing with them say “That hurt, if you can’t be nice I won’t play” and stand up and walk away. Give them a few minutes and try to play again. If it happens with friends, you can tell them “You need to be nice to play with your friends” and move them from the group.
Typically, some combination of these steps will greatly reduce the amount of hitting that happens. Hitting is unfortunately part of a toddler’s mind set so nothing will fully eradicate it but, it can be greatly decreased if you can get to the bottom of their most common reason for hitting. The key to any of this is to be consistent and before you know it, hitting episodes will be few and far between.
I love sharing parenting tips. Here are a few others:
Does Your Child Always Need the Last Word in Arguments? Shift the Power.
Siblings Fighting? 3 Tips to Help Them Get Along.
Favorite Kids Books to Help Stop Bad Dreams
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I agree hitting (and all behavior) is a form of communication. I think you hit the nail on the head with helping kids identify the emotions behind the behavior.
I think a lot of times toddlers tend to hit when they don’t know how to express themselves yet verbally. They usually outgrow once they can really express their feelings.
Thankfully my daughter was never a hitter, but I have my son coming up now . Hopefully I will get just as lucky, but it is probably doubtful. These are awesome tips that I will save for when baby is a bit bigger.
I have three kids and my youngest is still a baby so I’m always looking for some ideas to consider because he’s growing too fast. Everything feels so new to us. Thanks for these!
My two middle kiddos do this when they are angry. They use their words but also hit and we tell them that’s a big NO NO! These are great tips!
These are all great ideas. I luckily didn’t have toddlers that hit. It’s really like biting, which my nephew did. Acting out always has a reason behind it. You just have to figure out what it is…and redirect. Teach your child how to get through the emotion without acting out.
I love your tips. Validating a child’s emotions is so important and not something people like to do.
I never had to deal with this with any of my kids and I find that very fortunate. It’s really important though, that we learn how to help them figure out what they’re feeling and what actions are appropriate for it.
I think the validation step you mention can be so easily overlooked. It’s so easy to get caught up in the behavior, and forget that your toddler is just a little person learning how to express themselves. And while their form of expression might not be appropriate, it’s good that they learn that their emotion is valid.
This is such a great post. SO many times parents don’t stop to think this is the way a child is showing an emotion. Most times they are not trying to be violent at all.
My little girl is just 14mo old and she has started hitting the odd time! It’s been tough to keep being repetitive saying no and directing her else where but it must be done.
Great suggestions – especially walk away. There have been times when nothing worked so I had to leave the room. Glad we are far past this parenting stage!
These are all great ideas! Especially redirecting the behavior. I’ll have to try this method with my daughter since she has started doing this out of nowhere.
Hitting is definitely never acceptable but it is understandable, especially from a toddler. They don’t have the communication skills to express their feelings. Your suggestions are very helpful for addressing the issue.
It is definitely tough when your toddler hits another child. These are some great tips when it comes to handling your toddler.
My two year old daughter recently started scratching and throwing things. She’s always been a thrower when she’s mad but this scratching thing is brand new. She doesn’t go to daycare and is not around other children doing this behavior to her. We definitely need to get a grip on it!
My son does this whenever he throws a tantrum. These are great tips to keep in mind! Thanks for sharing.
Good tips! I was lucky that when my daughter was a toddler she never hit. But I used to be a therapist for children (which included toddlers) and when I worked with the toddlers who hit, I would help re-direct them to alternate behaviors and label their emotions and this seemed to work most of the time.
Is there a way to print this? Thank you!