Parenting can be an extremely frustrating and daunting experience, yet it is also one of the most rewarding jobs you will ever have in your life. It is difficult to keep our cool while figuring out how to get kids to listen without yelling.
I admit, I yell sometimes.
As you can tell, since I write a blog about parenting, I am always trying to learn new ways to be a better parent.
Part of improving my parenting is to yell less. Positive Parenting seems like such a calm and mature way to raise kids. I want to find out more about it and some basic steps to implement the techniques and have a more calm way to deal get kids to listen.
There are several ways to use positive parenting techniques to your advantage and change the way you approach frustrating situations with your little ones.
If you are wanting even more advice on building a deep relationship with your child check out my friend Becky from Your Modern Family’s course, Parenting 101. It includes setting up your expectations through praise, understanding emotions, creating routines and more. Check it out before the price increases.
What is Positive Parenting?
Positive parenting utilizes positive instruction and communication, while encouraging mutual respect. It provides a way to discipline children without breaking their spirit.
Positive parenting encourages a deeply committed and strong relationship between children and their parents. When using positive parenting, you are teaching your children the why behind their discipline, encouraging them to develop their own self-control.
5 Things Moms Do To Get Kids to Listen Without Yelling
1. Accept That They Can Only Control Themselves
Moms who use positive parenting techniques realize that their children are not pets, robots or their property. They are not focused on controlling another human being because they know they can’t. Parents don’t require control of everything to have a well-functioning home. In fact, letting go of the idea that you can control everything will make your home a much more peaceful place to be.
Isn’t this what therapists say about almost every situation? That we can only control ourselves and our reactions, not other people. Seems to make sense.
2. They Only React if There is a Good Reason
When their children are not listening, moms that use positive parenting re-evaluate what they are asking them to listen to. They know that as adults there are plenty of expectations and rules placed upon on us, some of these rules and expectations are necessary, while others are purely about personal preference.
They ask themselves if what they want their child to listen to is necessary. If the only reason you can come up with is: “Because I said so.” It’s not a positive choice
3. They Do Not Punish
Positive parenting avoids the punishments and allows children to make mistakes and deal with the natural consequences.
While I do want to avoid punishments I still do use some punishments. I have some creative punishments for kids when time out no longer works. I haven’t yet graduated to 100% positive parenting which would obviously be the ultimate goal.
Children require experience and practice when it comes to figuring out their judgement skills. When their children make mistakes, moms that use positive parenting guide them in a supportive and positive way just like the way they were supported as toddlers. The natural consequences your children experience when making a poor choice, are most often negative enough to teach them a lesson. Adding in extra punishments will only take their focus away from the actual lesson.
In many cases, there is no harm in allowing your kids to experience the natural consequences of their own decisions.
4. They Let Them Decide
Moms who utilize positive parenting techniques realize that no one really enjoys being constantly bossed around. They give their children the freedom to make as many age appropriate choices as possible.
When these moms disagree with their child’s choices, they ask them questions about them. They ask things like what they will feel like if something doesn’t go as planned, or why they want to do things in this manner. This teaches children good decision-making skills, when they learn how to sort through the plausible outcomes of their choices.
5. They Do NOT Yell
Yelling at your children is not only counter productive but it is no way a positive parenting choice. Moms that utilize the positive parenting outlook when it comes to their children, never yell because they realize that not only does it cause their children to shut down, it makes communication a negative experience for everyone involved. There are several ways to stop yelling at your children, and positive parents use these methods to make it work. This is where I need to focus.
- Realize that yelling is not effective – Yelling at your children undermines the bond you have with your little ones, leaving them feeling belittled and alone.
- Take a deep breath – Getting worked up will only result in your little one getting worked up in return. Prior to speaking to your kids, take a deep breath and think before you speak, in a calm manner.
- Realize your triggers – Find the things that cause you to snap and address those within yourself. A major trigger for me is when we are running late. Once you know your triggers you will be able to avoid them or come up with a plan to deal with them in a more positive manner.
Using these positive parenting techniques will encourage positive communication and help your children listen better.
Quick Techniques To Stop Yelling
- Take a deep breath
- Be very specific in your requests but use short sentences.
- When things are spiraling downhill…Add the sentence, “I am about to yell.” I have found that after I have given my warning to my kids and they are still not listening, I have been able to add “I am about to scream/yell/freak out/etc.” right before I do and they will sometimes jump into doing what I have asked them.
- Make sure you are setting aside time for yourself.
- Get sleep! I am at my most impatient when I don’t get enough rest.
Just make sure you only control what you can, allow natural consequences to guide them, let them decide and stop yelling. Not only will you find you are parenting more effectively, but your household will be a happier and calmer environment for everyone.
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Thank you for this post. I don’t often yell, but with four kids it feels inevitable. I have however really changed the way I approach my oldest (12 years). I’m trying not to punish but let her know the consequences of her actions (and inactions) and let her take it from there. It’s working for the most part so far! Thanks for the food for thought.
So glad it helps. I am still going back and forth with trying to be more positive and sometimes resorting to punishments. It is so hard and sometimes it depends more on my own patience and just whether I had a good nights sleep or not. 😉
Colleen McLaren says
I agree that the goal should be not to yell. However, after raising three children to adulthood and all of them (and me) made I out fairly well adjusted- I’d just like to warn you about letting your kids make their own decisions.
The goal is for them to get to the point where they make. All hit n decisions, and so we start out by letting them choose between two outfits that we have picked out, and gradually the choices become bigger and more significant. The thing to keep in mind is that it’s a big world out there, and your child wants to know that someone, other than themselves are in charge. Because if they’re in charge- that’s a scary thing, and they instinctively know that. So let them make decisions, but make sure they know that you have the ultimate responsibility, and you will carry it for them.
Yes, I think it is important to let them know that you will be taking care of them no matter what. I am hoping positive parenting and yell-free parenting is like healthy diets. An 80/20 rule means you are doing well. I try and try to be positive and let them make choices and never yell…but hey, we all lose it and sometimes raise our voice (or blow our diet on some pizza and ice cream). Ha.